Countess

I feel as if im hurting others more then my self and thats tearing me apart thats the one thing i hate doing i cant stand when i hurt other people. Its not who i am its not who i want to be and its definitly not who i want to be known as. I also dont want to be the one who cant open up to the people i love the people who make me who i am when im around them. i dont like being this imiture when it comes to feelings there so fucking simple and easy untill it comes to sharing them. Now that i want to share them i cant. how in the hell do i get over this. Its alot easer for me to do when i have coaperation from the other person But then again i need to have the strangth to share what is needed for keeping myself form this situation. I love the person im with and Im just slightly out of my head.

thanks for reading my rant latter

Amanda 

Waiting out side as he walks up to me and takes me away to enjoy our evening together. A wonderful night begins with dinner  with some nice conversation. Moves in to poring a drink and starting a movie. cuddling up on the couch and just enjoying each others presence. As the movie ends we put on some music so we can chat, a good song plays and he starts to dance pulling me up to dance with him. Together we move to the rhythm for a few songs when a slow song comes on and he holds me close and dance slowly to every beat of the song  our hearts in sync.  for those few moments im lost in the utopia of love and affection.

for once in my life i feel like I'm truly cared for and to make this even better its by two people that i love with every fiber and fact of who i am. to the two people that will read this thank you and remember this is just a fantasies

Current Location:	My room
Current Mood:	giddy
Current Music:	CSI T,V

Any ways i'm just saying that I would love to have a few pictures of just you and I :) I love you and hope to see you soon 

Im very happy with my life today. Im doing good in all my relationships. well not all, my family is still an issue and one lover im not sure if im  comfortable with like i used to be but my other lovers are good. and i have found a new guy that im very happy with. I enjoy his company very much, he is helping me in more ways then i can explain also has helped me to find myself and what i want.  thank you You know who you are smiles i miss you. Im still working on my family issues. but things are starting to turn up.   school is starting up soon im ready to start a new year and start on my way to get into college. I know i will be very stressed out this year with two college classes English Lit (the one subject i hate and it always kicks my ass) and Ap Environmental science. that with my math american history and so on. but im ready for it. if any one can give me  a hand with my english that would be greatly appreciated. any ways i dont intend to be going to many parties this year sorry friends. i will try to make time to spend with you all but i cant promise anything but i will try. any ways thats all for now loves to all hugs cuddles and kisses night
~Countess~

Dad starts work at bowing monday, now we will have insurance med, dental, life Im verry happy about that. meaning now i can start doing sports again. the one sport im looking forword to most is soccer i cant wait till it starts. i have been playing soccer almost all my life started when i was about 8 and played for four years on a team. Then we bought the shop and didnt have insurance any more so i just played for fun and in school P.E classes, but now that we have insurance i can play on a team again. well the school team but a team non the less. though our school sports suck! i will just be happy to play again. although that dose mean that i will have less free time. sorry to all that i see on a regular bases that also means ill be spending more time at home. hopfally this will also help me keep a better schedual get all my HW done instead of blowing it off spending time with friends. I know that playing soccer and doing track will also keep me from being depressed, playing sports is the one thing that i have always loved to do and it always keeps me in a good mood. I am very pleased that i will be able to do the one thing i have a grate passion for plus i will get back in to shape. the down side to my dad working at bowing is that he is planing to work from 3 till midnight witch will make it so that i will never get to see him and that is going to be the hardst part for me. i dont think he gets that sigh oh well it is hard for both of us to express how we feel to eachother  I do love him verry much but i can never tell him nor show him we are both that way i am happy to that he found a job but i will miss seeing and hearing his voice. But yay i get to do sports and have cheeck ups havent had one since 5th grade and im in 11th grade. I also can go to the dentest get some help with my gums havent been to the dentist since 3rd grade and my teath are fine ive had my friends mom look at them she is a dentist I am happy to be able to finaly start a real healthy life. with cheeck ups and every thing. smiles!!!!

~Countess

P.S Yay soccer and sports

Alot of us take our parents and ones that are close to us for granted. Using strong and some times hurtfull words to say things that are really not what you want to say. I am guilty for such rong acusations, I know I have said that I hate my father but really that is the last feeling I could ever have for him. I mean yeah he can seem to be annoying and unresanabull but really he is just trying to hold on to a 6 year old girl that was close to death. I know he loves me and dosnt want to have a close call like we did when I was yong  I know he dosnt want to lose me (in a sance) but Im no longer that little girl that he sees I am growing to be a girl that is fallowing her dreams and I just wish he could see that. I also have used such words for friends and ex or current lovers. A year ago when I was care less and didnt think about what i was saying I would say that i loved you when i really wanted to say that i care about you strongly i mean i have a kind of love for you but it is not what you may think to me there is only two kinds of love a family love that you have for your brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers and friends. then there is also the love you have for some one verry special to you. when you use love now aday it is to say that "I care about you a lot" but to me there is only a few people that I love and I mean really love like the old day love. the love that means that you think about them alot almost all the time that I would love to be in a relationship with for a long time. at this moment there is only one i care about like that for  he cares about me and he is the one that i will say that to and you should know who you are so I do love you verry much and i hope you love me too i really do want to be with you for a long time  come new and differnt lovers i hope that we stay toghater. now for  when some of my friends or lovers  says they love me it is hard for me to belive them because it has lost its true meaning witch is a sad thing because when some one that i want to say it says it its hard for me to tell the differnce it is the same with the word hate these two words are used so carlessly that some people cant tell when some one is saying it to the real meaning or they are just saying it cus they are up set but they done mean it. If you think about it im sure that you all would agree to be honest im sick of these stupid new meanings there needs to be a change in what we say if you say somthing like hate or love say it for the true meaning not just because you want to or because you are up set or because you think it is really waht you mean be sure to knwo that is what you want to say befor you say it to some one and get yourself in to somthing that might get you in to a deep situation that you might not get out of thank you for listning and your opinions on this would be nice Hugs cuddles and nuzzles

~Countess

I'm in a satate of mind when I wish i had the strangth and currage to open up to my lover but after the things that have happend to me in my life it is so diffacult to trust any one even the guy i have known for so long i mean there are days when i feel comfortabul enough to share how i feel with him but there is always a part of him that is hidden somthing that im not sure if he feels comfortabul to share with me i mean he has always shared how he feels with me we talk about everything and we are natraly compatabul but we barly talk to eachother about us i mean i love him verry much and i have the highst respect for him but for some reasson i cant seem to share how i feel with him its hard for me to share what i want with him what i feel would be nice because im afrade of chasing him away though from what we have talked about it dosnt seem like he is leaving any time soon we have both shared that we want to know and be with eachother for a long time but there is still the fear i have from past experinces that keep me from sharing it that keep me from showing it from being as affectionate as i want to be with him i mean i do trust him more then any one in my life but i still cant seem to share all that i feel for him sigh i wish i could express with him what i want but it is a challenge i have been bilding up as much strangth as i can to try to talk to him but i never make the first move with any thing so it makes it verry difficult grr please some advice would help hugs and cuddles every one night night

~Countess~

today was the day of the reamberance of the Capatol Hill Tragidy of last year three of my good friends were shoot and killed at the house of 21 12 Republican and 15 on Capatol hill last year, i still am in shock of waht happend and still to this moment i am crying i loved those guys so much they were some of the nicest people i have ever met i love them so much and miss them with ever fiber of my being today i went to dance for my good friends at the Reamberance got to cry and miss them also had some awsome dancing going on it was all in your guys honer guys we love you and miss you with all we have any ways after the rememberance went to the house and had a totle vision of what happend the shooting the after looks of them all dead it was a sad day i loved them some much susan sushi and decon i love you and im missing you i also had my first day of work today sigh twas an okay day and yeah tomarow will be better any way gona go and try to calm down i love you babes i miss you so much cant wait to see your sperits in you supernatural lifes good bye for now loves and ill always remember you

~~~Countess

Countess

Current Location:	in my cage
Current Mood:	blank
Current Music:	backround noise

Countess

Current Location:	SHS Theater
Current Mood:	crazy

Yeah that is the play that i am curently being a part of. Its fun and boring at the same time only because I have been sitting watching it for the past like month so yeah kinda boring. any ways it is a good play and the cast rooks I love them to death well just thought i would let you know what was going on.  The opening of the show tonight was good turned out verry well nothing happend witch is good we had to cancle the original opening night and so now we  have opening night and closing night the same weekend kinda crazy but and intresting challange Tomarow i will not miss any sound Qs i make it my duty and a self goul any ways getting my eyes cheeked this weekend wish me luck with that well hell wish me luck to get them cheeked my dad is so lazy any ways gona go to bed now kinda tired latter

Countess

Current Location:	In my cage
Current Mood:	tired
Current Music:	back round noise

Hey some one should talk to me and make me laugh please

~Countess

Today like any other day I went to work and did my job while listening to one of the most annoying person I have ever had the experience of meting. He happens to get on every ones nerves and all the guys in the group have shunned him so the girls aka my friends decided to be kind and talk to him evey so often, although he gets on our nerves.

Any ways today we happened to get in to a sexuality conversation mixed in with a religious tip. During this whole coneversation he had been saying vary disrespect full things, and vary rude comments to me and to my Catholic friend about how we were wrong for what we belive, and I was wrong for my sexualaty. When we had decided to talk about why he thought my sexuality was wrong, he went in to how the bible said it was, and that I would go to hell for how I am because I am Bisexual. Any ways what had really ended the conversation was when he said straight out in my face that  "the only reason we have the HIV ADDs Virus is because of Homosexual people and that they are the reason for spreading it through people who are not Homosexual." Then after he said that he came up to me and said "So you must have HIV ADDs," witch sent me over the edge and just almost made me beat the living shit out of him if I didn't walk away.  The supervisor called me over to find out what was going on and I told her and said I do not want to work with him any longer  she had a long conversation with him and he came and apologized to me witch I did accept but told him to stay away from me if he didnt want Sauveur injury's. 

So that was my day and I am not to happy about it at all.

~C

P.S some one please make me smile

Current Location:	home
Current Mood:	irritated