Countess

the Big-ist thing to ever happen to me

2009-06-05T05:24:21Z

You are reading the journal of a bran new college student
Yesterday after noon i was accepted in to PIMA Medical Instatute I start in the fall I will be studying Vet Tech it is a two year program and i just cant wait to start

what do you do

2009-01-23T03:56:03Z

when everything you think is going well and all of a sudden it flips on you? when your feelings are so strong and then your mind just stops and lets reality in? I feel as if my heart has been riped out and stepped on with confusion. I was so happy and confident in my thoughts and what was going to happen and now i just am at a lose. Im at conflict all with in my self and i just dont know what to do. I've grown so close to everything in my life and ive let myself care for myself and for others openly, but now my mind is back tracking! Im not sure how im feeling and im not sure how to go through with everything. i wish i could just have the answers to what i want to know i wish i could just stop feeling so lost i want that for sure feeling back. I want the rock solid feeling i had back. the stability and happiness back. why do i always stop this feeling befor i see what happens? I guess im not as strong and forsure as i thought i was.

I feel as if im hurting others more then my self and thats tearing me apart thats the one thing i hate doing i cant stand when i hurt other people. Its not who i am its not who i want to be and its definitly not who i want to be known as. I also dont want to be the one who cant open up to the people i love the people who make me who i am when im around them. i dont like being this imiture when it comes to feelings there so fucking simple and easy untill it comes to sharing them. Now that i want to share them i cant. how in the hell do i get over this. Its alot easer for me to do when i have coaperation from the other person But then again i need to have the strangth to share what is needed for keeping myself form this situation. I love the person im with and Im just slightly out of my head.

thanks for reading my rant latter

Amanda

Fantasies

2008-11-10T07:13:14Z

The thoughts of every thing coming and going through my head are so many and so current its hard to keep up with them, but tonight one has gone through my head and it just wont go!

Waiting out side as he walks up to me and takes me away to enjoy our evening together. A wonderful night begins with dinner with some nice conversation. Moves in to poring a drink and starting a movie. cuddling up on the couch and just enjoying each others presence. As the movie ends we put on some music so we can chat, a good song plays and he starts to dance pulling me up to dance with him. Together we move to the rhythm for a few songs when a slow song comes on and he holds me close and dance slowly to every beat of the song our hearts in sync. for those few moments im lost in the utopia of love and affection.

for once in my life i feel like I'm truly cared for and to make this even better its by two people that i love with every fiber and fact of who i am. to the two people that will read this thank you and remember this is just a fantasies

lady_tigereye16 @ 2008-06-09T22:34:00

2008-06-10T05:45:53Z

So My birthday is coming up and one thing i would like to do that have been a dream of mine for a long time kinda a hollywood movie dream witch would involve treating me to dinner and treat me to a nice evening Of romance and intimacy. I guess what im looking for is a special evening of two caring people. heh I'm being silly Its just nice to dream I like to think about these romantic dreams of a loving wonderful special thing that one person dose for another they care for hah Ill be happy with a bunch of peoples hugs and for people to care even though my Birthday falls on my schools senior graduation day but oh well Loves hugs and snuggles

Amanda

So here is a

2008-03-19T06:25:46Z

Up date

Life has taken an interesting turn I have been going through many ups and downs lately I’ve been getting carried away with depending to much on other people instead of my self but ive also been able to racigniz my flaws and try to start correcting them like now im taking one of my brakes from the one person that i have noticed ive been attaching myself to for a while now and so i am separating myself from them to get myself back on track and focusing more on myself then on others as well as forcing myself to depend on well myself

Its been odd though through the past few weeks many new horizons have presented them selves to me and I hae decided to explor them new people have entered my life and old have tried to make another apperance. I have noticed that I’ve been getting better at noticing what I want and how I’m going to aproch it. I’ve also noticed that I am getting stronger in some of my weekness for one depending on others to feel safe Yes I love the comfort and company of others but i do not need it all the time I’ve learnd that am happy sitting alone doing a hobby reading playing computer games and so on

I’d also like to say to those that I have depended so much on that I’m sorry but I am still learning so please bear with me

Smiles

Amanda

Im just thinking

2007-12-27T06:44:54Z

As I sit here listing to music I look around my room and think, I have no pictures of just you and me. I have pictures of you and I in a group but none of you and me. It would be nice if I had some but we'll see. Thinking back over my life I think of all the things I have done and all the things that I miss, the things i could miss if they were to ever leave my life! It's always been difficult for me to be certain of things but this is one thing that I couldn't be wrong about. Its nice that I have finale come to be at peace with who I am and who is around me. I have found that in the past i have gotten careless when I thought I was doing well but in fact I wasnt. I would run from my past in any way that I could and now I'm ready to face it along with my future and what ever obstacles the gods feel I need to face. A while ago I was petrified of this because I felt I would have to face everything on my own, now I am confidence that I can do it because i have a wonderful set of friends to help me and my love is the one to keep me on my feet showing me the love that I need and giving me the confidince and security of comfort I so often look for. (you know who you are Kisses) oh man i wanted to say one thing and I rambled of good job Amanda!

Any ways i'm just saying that I would love to have a few pictures of just you and I :) I love you and hope to see you soon

sigh

2007-11-10T04:18:27Z

Im actuly serisly thinking about imansipation I cant stand living in this house being treated like Cinderalla Im not as helpless as my parents seem to think if my father cares about me the way he says he dose and dosnt want to see me end up like my siblings hell he better start looking at what is going on behind his back his so called wife is not the best thing for me the best thing for me would be for him to start talking to me and taking charge make her get a job fuck i would not be surprised if her job was down on first ave the 3 cent whore I could care less one way or another im not putting up with this for much longer and im about to talk to my dad about this tonight i have many a friends that there pairents are want to adopt me and im verry tempted to take them up on this offer GRRRRRRRRRRRR i hate this thing this situation blah

Good Im doing very good

2007-09-02T07:56:07Z

Im very happy with my life today. Im doing good in all my relationships. well not all, my family is still an issue and one lover im not sure if im comfortable with like i used to be but my other lovers are good. and i have found a new guy that im very happy with. I enjoy his company very much, he is helping me in more ways then i can explain also has helped me to find myself and what i want. thank you You know who you are smiles i miss you. Im still working on my family issues. but things are starting to turn up. school is starting up soon im ready to start a new year and start on my way to get into college. I know i will be very stressed out this year with two college classes English Lit (the one subject i hate and it always kicks my ass) and Ap Environmental science. that with my math american history and so on. but im ready for it. if any one can give me a hand with my english that would be greatly appreciated. any ways i dont intend to be going to many parties this year sorry friends. i will try to make time to spend with you all but i cant promise anything but i will try. any ways thats all for now loves to all hugs cuddles and kisses night
~Countess~

family improvement but not really

2007-07-29T05:56:40Z

Dad starts work at bowing monday, now we will have insurance med, dental, life Im verry happy about that. meaning now i can start doing sports again. the one sport im looking forword to most is soccer i cant wait till it starts. i have been playing soccer almost all my life started when i was about 8 and played for four years on a team. Then we bought the shop and didnt have insurance any more so i just played for fun and in school P.E classes, but now that we have insurance i can play on a team again. well the school team but a team non the less. though our school sports suck! i will just be happy to play again. although that dose mean that i will have less free time. sorry to all that i see on a regular bases that also means ill be spending more time at home. hopfally this will also help me keep a better schedual get all my HW done instead of blowing it off spending time with friends. I know that playing soccer and doing track will also keep me from being depressed, playing sports is the one thing that i have always loved to do and it always keeps me in a good mood. I am very pleased that i will be able to do the one thing i have a grate passion for plus i will get back in to shape. the down side to my dad working at bowing is that he is planing to work from 3 till midnight witch will make it so that i will never get to see him and that is going to be the hardst part for me. i dont think he gets that sigh oh well it is hard for both of us to express how we feel to eachother I do love him verry much but i can never tell him nor show him we are both that way i am happy to that he found a job but i will miss seeing and hearing his voice. But yay i get to do sports and have cheeck ups havent had one since 5th grade and im in 11th grade. I also can go to the dentest get some help with my gums havent been to the dentist since 3rd grade and my teath are fine ive had my friends mom look at them she is a dentist I am happy to be able to finaly start a real healthy life. with cheeck ups and every thing. smiles!!!!

~Countess

P.S Yay soccer and sports

strong words for rong reassons

2007-07-28T07:36:53Z

Alot of us take our parents and ones that are close to us for granted. Using strong and some times hurtfull words to say things that are really not what you want to say. I am guilty for such rong acusations, I know I have said that I hate my father but really that is the last feeling I could ever have for him. I mean yeah he can seem to be annoying and unresanabull but really he is just trying to hold on to a 6 year old girl that was close to death. I know he loves me and dosnt want to have a close call like we did when I was yong I know he dosnt want to lose me (in a sance) but Im no longer that little girl that he sees I am growing to be a girl that is fallowing her dreams and I just wish he could see that. I also have used such words for friends and ex or current lovers. A year ago when I was care less and didnt think about what i was saying I would say that i loved you when i really wanted to say that i care about you strongly i mean i have a kind of love for you but it is not what you may think to me there is only two kinds of love a family love that you have for your brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers and friends. then there is also the love you have for some one verry special to you. when you use love now aday it is to say that "I care about you a lot" but to me there is only a few people that I love and I mean really love like the old day love. the love that means that you think about them alot almost all the time that I would love to be in a relationship with for a long time. at this moment there is only one i care about like that for he cares about me and he is the one that i will say that to and you should know who you are so I do love you verry much and i hope you love me too i really do want to be with you for a long time come new and differnt lovers i hope that we stay toghater. now for when some of my friends or lovers says they love me it is hard for me to belive them because it has lost its true meaning witch is a sad thing because when some one that i want to say it says it its hard for me to tell the differnce it is the same with the word hate these two words are used so carlessly that some people cant tell when some one is saying it to the real meaning or they are just saying it cus they are up set but they done mean it. If you think about it im sure that you all would agree to be honest im sick of these stupid new meanings there needs to be a change in what we say if you say somthing like hate or love say it for the true meaning not just because you want to or because you are up set or because you think it is really waht you mean be sure to knwo that is what you want to say befor you say it to some one and get yourself in to somthing that might get you in to a deep situation that you might not get out of thank you for listning and your opinions on this would be nice Hugs cuddles and nuzzles

~Countess

There are times when...

2007-07-25T06:08:52Z

I'm in a satate of mind when I wish i had the strangth and currage to open up to my lover but after the things that have happend to me in my life it is so diffacult to trust any one even the guy i have known for so long i mean there are days when i feel comfortabul enough to share how i feel with him but there is always a part of him that is hidden somthing that im not sure if he feels comfortabul to share with me i mean he has always shared how he feels with me we talk about everything and we are natraly compatabul but we barly talk to eachother about us i mean i love him verry much and i have the highst respect for him but for some reasson i cant seem to share how i feel with him its hard for me to share what i want with him what i feel would be nice because im afrade of chasing him away though from what we have talked about it dosnt seem like he is leaving any time soon we have both shared that we want to know and be with eachother for a long time but there is still the fear i have from past experinces that keep me from sharing it that keep me from showing it from being as affectionate as i want to be with him i mean i do trust him more then any one in my life but i still cant seem to share all that i feel for him sigh i wish i could express with him what i want but it is a challenge i have been bilding up as much strangth as i can to try to talk to him but i never make the first move with any thing so it makes it verry difficult grr please some advice would help hugs and cuddles every one night night

~Countess~

Sigh tis a sad thing

2007-06-07T04:09:16Z

but it looks like i shall be moving eather to arizona or pualup with in the next year! kinda sucks it has taken a bit of a toll on me havent been able to really focus but you know i gess once again i have no say so spend as much time with me and i will try to show my face on here again every so offten send me some messeges on Myspace or Msn Messenger to keep in contact send me your number and ill send you mine ill talk to you all latter and i really hope my famile changes there mind on moving fingers cross big time loves hug kisses and bites talk to you all latter (oh and to those that i should already have your num send it again got my phone stolen had to get another talk to you all latter)

sad day today

2007-03-26T05:35:04Z

today was the day of the reamberance of the Capatol Hill Tragidy of last year three of my good friends were shoot and killed at the house of 21 12 Republican and 15 on Capatol hill last year, i still am in shock of waht happend and still to this moment i am crying i loved those guys so much they were some of the nicest people i have ever met i love them so much and miss them with ever fiber of my being today i went to dance for my good friends at the Reamberance got to cry and miss them also had some awsome dancing going on it was all in your guys honer guys we love you and miss you with all we have any ways after the rememberance went to the house and had a totle vision of what happend the shooting the after looks of them all dead it was a sad day i loved them some much susan sushi and decon i love you and im missing you i also had my first day of work today sigh twas an okay day and yeah tomarow will be better any way gona go and try to calm down i love you babes i miss you so much cant wait to see your sperits in you supernatural lifes good bye for now loves and ill always remember you

~~~Countess

Okay...

2007-01-23T06:09:46Z

Im a little nurvis about getting my glasses. they really didnt have a big selaction of frames but i think to ones i chose will look okay. But if you see me Please please tell me the honest truth about them. Im not that grate at making my own choices on weather i look good or not. any ways thats the update

Countess

Todays show

2007-01-21T04:01:32Z

Ah going well have a good crowed for closing night and doing verry well with the acting the show earlyer today wasnt to good had a smal crowed and the actors and actresses were a little off. but we puled it togather for closing Keavin Well "George" Cracked his voice that was the best part i think any ways to day was a little hecktic but as the show is going on right now and we are getting a good laugh out of the crowed any ways ill post again latter

Countess

Our town

2007-01-20T07:43:54Z

Yeah that is the play that i am curently being a part of. Its fun and boring at the same time only because I have been sitting watching it for the past like month so yeah kinda boring. any ways it is a good play and the cast rooks I love them to death well just thought i would let you know what was going on. The opening of the show tonight was good turned out verry well nothing happend witch is good we had to cancle the original opening night and so now we have opening night and closing night the same weekend kinda crazy but and intresting challange Tomarow i will not miss any sound Qs i make it my duty and a self goul any ways getting my eyes cheeked this weekend wish me luck with that well hell wish me luck to get them cheeked my dad is so lazy any ways gona go to bed now kinda tired latter

Countess

My name

2006-11-24T04:02:56Z

AMANDA

Worthey of love.
Dose not look down on others; she is serious about her feelings; dauntless,courageous, and bold; if she is busy she is happy;gives of her self willingly; has hasty of speech, and a quick temper; has a good day when she learns somthing new; works diligently for the benefit of others

Do you think this is true?

~~Countess~~

small info about me since september

2006-11-16T03:14:28Z

Hey every one. Well it’s been a while so here is something to help catch you up. Well school started about 3 months ago and I’ve been doing pretty well my classes are English dance math and study hall we write many essays in English and have many tests in math, dance is fun we have learned Jazz dance Ballet, and a little Hip Hop. Now we are on Modern or Interpretive dance as some people might call it. Any ways doing well in my class's staying away from drama did really well on my Biblical Allusion presentation today and now we start reading a play by my favorite Shake Spear he rocks any ways the Theater has opened again so I am doing that again I will be a hell of a lot more busy then I have been lately so I’m sorry in advance if I make plans and then have to cancel.

Any ways hanging out at home playing with my birds Kermit and BaBa they are being annoying so I decided to take them out and let the breath for a while any ways I hope to post again soon and ill talk to you all latter.

So havent been on...

2006-08-18T04:40:48Z

in quite some time, well it would have helped if I could sign on havnt been able to do that for a while oh well just wanted to say hey and was letting you all know waht was going on talk to you all latter

Hey some one should talk to me and make me laugh please

~Countess

I had a varry

2006-07-26T04:31:32Z

annoying day,

Today like any other day I went to work and did my job while listening to one of the most annoying person I have ever had the experience of meting. He happens to get on every ones nerves and all the guys in the group have shunned him so the girls aka my friends decided to be kind and talk to him evey so often, although he gets on our nerves.

Any ways today we happened to get in to a sexuality conversation mixed in with a religious tip. During this whole coneversation he had been saying vary disrespect full things, and vary rude comments to me and to my Catholic friend about how we were wrong for what we belive, and I was wrong for my sexualaty. When we had decided to talk about why he thought my sexuality was wrong, he went in to how the bible said it was, and that I would go to hell for how I am because I am Bisexual. Any ways what had really ended the conversation was when he said straight out in my face that "the only reason we have the HIV ADDs Virus is because of Homosexual people and that they are the reason for spreading it through people who are not Homosexual." Then after he said that he came up to me and said "So you must have HIV ADDs," witch sent me over the edge and just almost made me beat the living shit out of him if I didn't walk away. The supervisor called me over to find out what was going on and I told her and said I do not want to work with him any longer she had a long conversation with him and he came and apologized to me witch I did accept but told him to stay away from me if he didnt want Sauveur injury's.

So that was my day and I am not to happy about it at all.

~C

P.S some one please make me smile

then next few weeks

2006-07-20T04:28:45Z

Will be over soon and I will be happy

Okay so I haven't posted in about a week so I'm gonna fill you in. Okay so Last weekend was at the den and had a good relaxing few days and a nice dinner with my aunt. Monday and Tuesday was a normal day finishing up a Holly tree evacuation (that HURT) and Today we started a new Job barking the trail in Lakemont Highlands. The rest of the week will be finishing the trail and maybe going to the den I'm not to sure yet. Next week will probably still be working on the trail in the Highlands and then changing stations and working on something else for about a week then going back to that trail and finishing it. hat weekend my Parental units will be headed out for a three week vacation to sturgis, i will be free for three weeks sept for work, but other then that I'm free.

lol its funny

2006-07-18T05:05:38Z

Very Kinky
You are 39% pure!

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 14% on purity

Link: The 100 Point Sexual Purity Test written by ocicat on OkCupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

lately

2006-07-12T03:25:01Z

I have been doing well with work and sleep and all that fun stuff. Work is starting to cut me up bad I mean latterly Cutting me I have cuts all up and down my arms legs stomach and so on. Their will be many anew scars by the end of this summer the rest of this week is pretty simple and will be vary original work sleep and fixing my computer from today till friday friday night I will be with arcitennoir for the weekend. Saturday I think we will just be home in the den and sunday I think will be the goth picnic then dinner with the family. Well that's all for now Ill try to keep you all updated on what is going on

My comp is fucked and it needs to be fixed

2006-07-11T05:21:21Z

Okay so I wont be on line as offten as normal because i need to clean out my comp and all that fun stuff so if you want to get a hold of me you can call me at 425 373 1682 and you can also still message me ill cheeck it every day or so and yeah

Man work is giving me so many cuts im going to have so many new scars by the end of the summer any ways love ya, latter

~C

lady_tigereye16 @ 2006-07-05T21:07:00

2006-07-06T04:16:51Z

Today was my first day of work. It was cool got to Lewis Creek Park around 8 40 and didn't have to be there till 9 lol so we were early. Okay so today we really didn't work we played games all day, kinda like one of those bonding days I gess so that we could all get to know each other. any ways so we just played all day we got to see where we will be working and what we will be doing and working with. lol any ways I think this will be keeping me busy for the weeks to come. I came home rather tired but that could be from the fact that i was out till 11 30 last night and didn't get to bed till then and had to get up early and my body is not used to that yet. So please wish me luck and keep me entertained during the weekend and afternoons lol latter
~C